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FRESH BAKES

Kim Jong Un: Nuclear weapons will not be used unless sovereignty threatened

May 8, 2016

He Speaks!

Kim Jong Un, North Korea's First Secretary of the Workers' Party (i.e. Supreme Leader, Glorious General, Dennis Rodman's Main-Man) played the opening act of the 'Workers' Party of Korea's Seventh Congress' held in Pyongyang. For an internationally criticized dictator, Kim hasn't been a man of many words. He's been more of a clapper with a bad, excuse me, REALLY BAD haircut. But in his 15-minute opening speech on Friday, Kim declared in front of 3,467 "voting delegates"(a.k.a. sobbing fan-girls) and more than 100 heavily "monitored" international press outlets that North Korea's multiple successes in advancing their thermonuclear weaponry and self-sufficient economic policies stand as testaments to the indomitable power of the hermit nation.

 

Yes, I brought a gun to school. But I won't use it unless you give me shit for it.

Kim's biggest soundbite of the night was when he remarked that his country would not use his nuclear weapons arsenal unless its "sovereignty is infringed by others with nuclear arms". He continued to point out that he was willing to normalize relationships with hostile nations such as the US and rivals South Korea and in time "will faithfully fulfill its obligation for non-proliferation and strive for the global denuclearization." A tale as old as time. A tune as old as song. To anyone humming to themselves "Heal the World", not so fast. The hermit nation has a colossally long track record for making such promises only to break out threats of turning Seoul, the South Korean capital, into a "sea of fire" in just the following day. So Kim intends to continue his secretive underground nuclear armament projects and promises not to use them unless he feels endangered. Might I remind you that this is a nation that gets jumpy over the black market importation of South Korean "capitalist-trash" melo-drama DVDs into its rural markets. Even the 128 members of the foreign media that were invited to cover the event have reported to be confined to the "safety" of their hotels and other officially sanctioned districts where they are under surveillance by party members that tout the best robotic smiles ever. So yikes, an encroachment of sovereignty for Kim is pretty much everything.

 

Dripping Swag Good.

The Seventh Congress is the country's first in 36 years, as the last one was held when Kim's father, the late Supreme Leader and antagonist of 2004 animated-film Team America: World Police Kim Jong-Il, formally announced himself as the successor to his own father, North Korea's founder Kim Il Sung. A glorious abundance of pomp and confetti is scheduled to pour out of Pyongyang during this 70-day congress as Kim Jong Un will surely use this public display of political prowess as a means of fully consolidating his own power. Apart from declaring a five-year plan to boost economic growth, Kim promised to his citizens and the world that at least he has the sense to wear a suit, a notch above his late father's trademark obsession with Khaki jumpsuits. Dozens of black Mercedes-Benz vehicles were on standby for Kim to enter and leave the building so I must say, the man has style. Not sure the UN economic sanctions are working terribly well though.

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